Conversations With An Anxious Mind

 (This blog isn't in reference to any specific instantiation of my anxiety but rather represents the type of conversation one has with oneself when in a state of angst. The purposes of this blog are to merely share these conversations to spark dialect and bring awareness to issues surrounding mental health. If you do have anxiety or a similar disposition, please do seek health and remember, you are not alone in this)

You really weren’t invited today? Have you upset someone? Ah sod it, maybe they just forgot. But how could they forget you? Didn’t you say three Saturdays ago that you kind of maybe wanted to go at some point. Surely they wouldn’t forget that! How could they? To forget such a thing would never happen to you so how could it happen to them? Nah, this is definitely a problem with you and them. Should you speak to them? Hell no. To speak would be to show you care which you obviously don’t. This is just you trying to be rational. You don’t care. Why would you care? Actually, to show how much you don’t care don’t even speak to them about it. Nah, just don’t speak to them- at all. Wait but if you don’t speak to them how can you speak to the others? Fuck it, I guess it's all their losses, they’re all gone from your life now. Imagine being them, such a silly mistake to lose someone amazing like you. Or maybe that was the plan. Maybe they didn’t like you. You do talk too much sometimes and you’re crap at the things they like to do plus you didn’t even know what they were talking about that one time, they definitely noticed that. But so does that other guy, why is he accepted and I’m not? Oh he definitely said something about you and took your place. If you had gone to that event you could’ve stopped that and now look, he took your spot. That sucks for you. To think someone could do that to you! But they definitely couldn’t have done it unless the others also agreed. No I think it's confirmed, they all hate you. You do deserve it if you actually think about it though. Like just think back to the time you and that guy got into that argument, if you had just kept your mouth shut maybe you would’ve avoided this. Or maybe it was that time you didn’t say enough, no one likes a yes man. But you know what? You don’t even deserve to be hated, you did nothing wrong there. All you did was lie about this and make that up but everyone does that no? You just wanted to make conversation and if you didn’t lie that one time then you would’ve been hated even sooner because they’d find out the real you. ‘Real you’, you know. Get over yourself. Honestly you’re just so selfish and egocentric. How could anyone like you, making this all about yourself. That’s probably what’s behind all of this. If you spent a little less time talking about yourself and a bit more time speaking to them, maybe you wouldn’t have exposed your sad little life. Now look it's just us, me and you alone in this world. They’ve made their decision and you’ve made yours, just leave them be and one day they’ll come knocking. And if they don’t, you don’t even care, you’ve got me! You know what, you should let them know that you don’t want to speak to them just so they don’t think they’ve won. But if you do that, they’ll think they have won because they’ll know you won’t speak to them because of their actions. Nah, don’t tell them, tell the other guy and then they’ll tell them and it’ll seem like you don’t care because you haven’t told them directly. Or is that too obvious too? Ugh. You know what, they’re not even thinking about you so why are you thinking about them? Leave it. If they can't be bothered for you, you don’t need to care about them. In fact, look! Your room is a mess and you have to do that thing for work, and that other project that you wanted to start, why don’t you work on that? Yeah, clean your room and by then they’ll have messaged. No! you don’t even care about the message, clean the room and then let’s make sure you do that work you need to do. Or actually, lets leave this mess and just go on a drive and maybe thatll clear your head. Yeah, grab the keys and just go. Drive to a café or something and the coffee will help. Or lets drive past where they are and see if theyre walking out, if they do then you can pretend like you had no idea and they’ll definitely feel bad for you and say sorry. No, actually that’s even sadder, let’s not do that, how about you just drive somewhere far and then your frustration will go. See! You already feel better in the car, yeah put on some of that music, get that frustration out of your system . Why did you even care about the plan? Honestly, what a waste of time right? You’re such a pussy though, why didn’t you just burst in and confront him? So what if the others wouldn’t back you? You don’t even like them! Do you? Fine then, if it is actually your fault, why don’t you apologise? Too late? So what? You’re going to die alone? Now? Nah you’re too much of a pussy to do that too. Just face it, you aren’t going to do shit. In fact, you’ve just wasted the whole day doing crap all. Now who’s going to do the work you were meant to do? Blame me? I didn’t force you into the car or to spend money on coffees. You really do need to get a grip of yourself, no wonder you never got the invite. You’re on your own now, I’m done with you too.